This is where I am.

It is very hard to live life when you feel like you would rather not live at all.

It's almost funny, being a community worker who suffers from mental illness, but that is what I am. I have wanted to help people who are sad and hurting my whole life. However, I can't help myself, though I am sad and hurting almost every day. It would seem that doctors also can't help me. Still, we keep trying.

So what do I do in the meantime? Generally, I try and blend in. After all, people feel sad when other people are sad. They also feel uncomfortable when you act depressed, so by acting in a truthful way, you end up even more isolated than you isolate yourself.

Why isolate yourself? Wouldn't you if you didn't want people to think you are a depressed freak? Or if even being around other people makes your nerves fly into overdrive from head to toe?

I would love to go back to school. I need further credentials in order to get a job in my field. It's the time of year that prospective students are applying to their programs of choice and hoping that they get that thick envelope of acceptance in return. Me? I have my application set, my program chosen, but will I send it out? Is it smart to when I don't know how I will be doing down the road? Right now I'm in the middle of recovering from a breakdown and I am unwell. Each day is lived as it comes.

So I keep doing it and waiting it out. Maybe I will be optimistic and plan my life ahead. Or maybe I won't. We will see.