What am I doing?

I think most of my 20s was wasted by sadness. This, of course, makes me sad.

But I don't want my 30s to be the same. I want life to happen. I want the things that make up life to happen.

But what do I want my life to be? I feel that I missed the part of my life where I would have learned that. Now, I find myself thinking "I might like that" for quite a few things. The hard part is knowing the difference between what is likeable and what is something I would truly love.

I've always wanted to have children. But, as I've probably said before, it isn't going to be easy to have biological children. Adoption has always just been part of the plan. Even when I was a kid, I knew I would want to adopt some day. This is probably the one thing I am sure of.

What do I want to do for a job? Is having just any job alright, if it means providing for a family? Or do I have to have a job where I really feel fulfilment? I want to help people. I want to listen and help make sense of things. Can I be happy volunteering in some way? Or, will I find that I can do that as a parent and find contentment that way? If not, do I want to go back to school to get the credentials I need for a job I will love?

Can I continue to take care of my mother? Am I able, with my own issues, to take care of someone who chooses not to live? Her life consists of the Sims, eating out, and television. She doesn't want anything else and it is a miracle that we were able to get her to see a doctor after years and years of hiding from one. Can I take more years of the same and subject a child to an unhappy situation that even I can barely stand?

There are just so many questions I'm facing and I feel like I am no closer to answers than I was as a teenager first starting to look into the future.